- The copy is too corporate (fluff-speak).
- Some of the copy focuses too much on the problems and not the solutions.
- There's a really good offer but you wouldn't know it from the current copy.
So...I'll fix the first one by using direct response techniques. I'll fix the second by selling happiness. Third...get the offer in the headline on at least one page.
Sometimes, I get too far into my headline templates and fail to remember offer headlines. These get straight to the point. Here's a good one from Creative Direct Marketing Group. No goofing around here...SAVE....
I'm a direct response copywriter based in Charlotte NC USA. My website is here.