The offer headline...something copywriters must remember

I'm working on rewriting the copy for a site that's not getting much conversion. We'll see how it goes in testing but the current site has three problems:

1. The copy is too corporate (fluff-speak).


2. Some of the copy focuses too much on the problems and not the solutions.


3. There's a really good offer but you wouldn't know it from the current copy.

So...I'll fix the first one by using direct response techniques. I'll fix the second by selling happiness. Third...get the offer in the headline on at least one page.

Sometimes, I get too far into my headline templates and fail to remember offer headlines. These get straight to the point. Here's a good one from Creative Direct Marketing Group. No goofing around here...SAVE....

Offer Headline

I'm a direct response copywriter based in Charlotte NC USA. My website is here.

The Guarantee Formula is a Copywriting Winner

I'm at the PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando, Florida; it's the big golf trade show. I ran into Andrew Wood, one of the best copywriters I know. He's founder of Legendary Marketing and also started Cunningly Clever Marketing. He just sold 69 spaces to a golf marketing boot camp he runs just before the PGA Show. The page isn't up right now but his success reminded me of the "GUARANTEE" formula. It goes something like this...bug treatment example...

6 months 'no questions asked' guarantee...

"If Cockroaches appear after we treat your home, I will personally re-treat your home and write you a check for $200."

Signed...Roger Smith

Roger's Bug Treatment Service

After this, the copy details the guarantee and there can be pictures of checks, etc.

I used this for an Australian Internet marketer and it got a 50 per cent better result than the control.

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I'm a direct response copywriter with repeat clients around the world. My website is here.

Great Copywriting--From the Ghetto

Yes--I'm a copywriter but I spend chunks of time taking my son to various parts of Charlotte for soccer practices, camps, and games. So I'm actually a copywriter/chauffeur. The Charlotte Chamber of Commerce will tell you that Charlotte does not have ghettos but...we have ghettos. Recently, I was driving through a bad area of Charlotte on the way to a soccer game and I saw a simple but excellent headline--on the sign outside a laundromat...of all places.

A benefit headline from a bad part of Charlotte...of all places...

The owner should leave the laundry business and become a DR copywriter...

50 POUND DRYERS

BIG AND HOT

YOU FINISH FAST

What a superb example of a benefit headline--with some alliteration and vivid language to boot. I'm sure their drying business is not in any way static. The grammarian in me would like to change "fast" to the correct adverb but that would lessen the impact of the headline.

Still--it's a headline I would be proud to own.